20 Of The Best Law Jokes
All rise for these funny lawyer jokes and attorney jokes.
Whether you’re guilty or innocent, our law puns, legal puns and law school jokes will make you laugh even in court.
My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?” The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”
A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.”
A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.” Judge: “What do you do for a living?” Defendant: “This and that.” Judge: “Take him away.” Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?” Judge: “Sooner or later.”
While serving jury duty, I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one point, he picked up a piece of evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see an acronym on this receipt. What would CAR stand for?” The defendant replied, “Car.”
“How many times have you committed suicide?” “Were you alone or by yourself?” “Was it you or your brother who was killed?” “Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.” “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?” “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All.”
A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back. One tenth of an hour: $30.”
That set off the malcontent: “Just how long have you been serving jury duty?”
If you’re interested in becoming a lawyer, you’ll need a degree. But as these court transcripts reveal, the question is, in what?
Attorney: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
Witness: “By death.”
Attorney: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
Attorney: “Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.
“Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor,” I said.
“Linda Jones, probation officer.”
“Sam Clark, public defender.”
“John,” said the teen who was on trial. “I’m the one who stole the truck.”
An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she says. “Would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.” “Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
“Dad sued me for the money.”
Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn’t that enough?
Q: Isn’t it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: Yes, it is, but you can’t prove it!
Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth?
A: A fifth of wine?
Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.
Q: What did your sister die of?
A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.
When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers.
“Have you ever dealt with an attorney?” asked the plaintiff’s lawyer.
“Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust,” she responded.
“And how did that turn out?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “Ask me when I’m dead.”
After I prosecuted a man for killing a bird out of season with his slingshot, the court clerk suggested setting up a date for him to return with both the money for the fine and proof of community service. “That way,” she said innocently, “you can kill two birds with one stone.”
While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: “Did you see the defendant at the scene?”
“Yes, from a block away,” the officer answered.
“Was the area well lit?”
“No. It was pretty dark.”
“Then how could you identify the defendant?” I asked, concerned.
Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, “I’d recognize my cousin anywhere.”
am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom. “This is where the judge sits,” I began, pointing to the bench. “The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits. As you can see,” I finished, “there are a lot of people involved in making this system work.”
In Fort Worth, Texas, I was hauled before the judge for driving with expired license plates. The judge listened attentively while I gave him a long, plausible explanation.
Then he said with great courtesy, “My dear sir, we are not blaming you—we’re just fining you.