Legally Dead and other lawyers Jokes
The Journal of the Massachusetts Bar recorded this exchange between an anonymous attorney and a pathologist in a recent murder trial:
“Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
“Did you check for breathing?”
“So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Even then, this would-be Perry Mason refused to throw in the towel:
“Is it possible the patient could be alive, nevertheless?”
“It is possible that he could have been alive,” said the pathologist, “and practicing the law somewhere.”
Cigars For The Judge
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.
“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”
“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”
“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”
“But, I did send them.”
“What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously.
“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”
“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.
“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but signed the plaintiff’s name.”
The Materialistic Lawyer
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Mercedes in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Mercedes, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“What!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex is gone!”